I’m a mess

           I do not understand my own actions.
           For I do not do what I want,
           but I do the very thing I hate.

                           —Romans 7.15

Sin isn’t easy to pin down,
hard to catch in the act.
Usually too late.

Unknown fears, regrets wounds and hungers
lurch around on the bicycle of my heart.
I’ll lose control. I’ll crash.

I believe delusions. I flee imaginary monsters.
I don’t know what gets into me.
I don’t know how I mess up.

My heart walks with a limp.
Its compass is off, its eyesight is crooked.
I try to do the right thing, the wrong way.

In the battle between good and evil
I’m on the right side
but I keep scoring for the other team

I’m a mess. Is there hope?
Should I blame myself, shame myself,
should I just give up?

No, says the Beloved, come with me.
There is no battle, no score.
There is only my goodness. It swallows you.

I forgive all your faults,
and know why you have them,
and offer not judgment, but healing

I believe in the heart within your heart
which doesn’t perform, but simply is,
and in that pure being we are at peace.

Come to me, you who are burdened by your sin,
and take upon you my yoke of grace,
and find rest for your soul.

Steve Garnaas-Holmes
Unfolding Light
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